A resolving an unhappy marriage

Jesus went to the region of Judea and beyond the Jordan, and crowds gathered to him again; and again, as his custom was, he taught them.

"From the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female'. 'For this reason a man may leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one'. So they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (ibid 5 - 9)."

These words of Jesus applies to all marriages, to all human beings in so far as they are humans. Matrimony is God's idea, not man's. It is a part and parcel of what it means to have human nature. As long as humans are still humans, the indissolubility of the marriage bond holds true.

The reality of marriage nowadays, however, is not as rosy as we would expect. There are rocky roads in marital life and the phenomena of drifting apart abound. It might not sound feasible but the solution to those challenges is to hope and stick it out.

Classic drifting apart

Harry and Kate Benson's story is a case in point. After eight years of marriage, they stood on the brink of divorce. May the many Harrys and Kates in the world learn from their experience.

Here is their story. Almost exactly twenty two years ago, Harry got home from work one day to find a letter lying on his bed. It was addressed to "Harry" in his wife Kate's hand writing.

"I had no idea what it would say," Harry recounts in his blog (Marriage Foundation UK). "But since Kate was sitting next door, I figured that whatever she wanted to say was best said on paper, rather than in person."

"A few weeks earlier, Kate had confronted me that our marriage was in trouble. I was not the friend she needed me to be and unless I got my act together, our marriage would be over in a year."

"I sat down to read the letter with some trepidation. It was written as a rather bland 'job spec' of what it was to be Harry's wife: terms, conditions, perks, travel, pay etc. I did not really know what to think. But the last couple of lines changed everything."

"What I really want is a friend," she wrote. "Will I ever get it, who knows. WHO CARES." It sounded like divorce was a step away.

Those last two words, in capitals, knocked Harry to the core. The despairing tone was obvious. What has he done, he thought. He had neglected her so badly. In his mind, it was as if tiny switch flicked across. Suddenly he knew he needed to make their marriage work for Kate.

He walked next door to find a closed and distant wife. He dropped to his knees and said "I'm so sorry. You've no reason to believe I will change. But I will."

That tiny change of attitude, a mental shift, to put Kate first, to have her at the forefront of Harry's mind rather than an afterthought, had seismic consequences.It turned out to be the springboard to recovery.

Typical Experience?

Lately, Marriage Foundation published a report in UK by this very same Harry Benson and Professor Steve McKay at University of Lincoln that looked at what happens to unhappy couples.

From a Millenium Cohort Study sample of some 10.000 mothers who had babies in the year 2000 or 2001, we found that some 5% were unhappy in their relationship soon after the baby was born. Just under a third of these then split up. Of the majority who stayed together, only 7% (of the 5%, so that 0.3% of the total sample) were still unhappy by the time their child was aged eleven, whereas 68% said they were now happy.

How does this study compare with other researches? American studies mirror their findings. A 2002 study found that two thirds of unhappy adults who stayed together were happy five years later. They also found that those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together.

In other words, most people who are unhappily married end up happy if they stick at it. Like Kate and Harry, they find ways through.

The Benson-Mckay study shows that unhappiness is, thankfully, much rarer than people imagine. It affects just one in twenty parents with newborns.

Unhappiness is usually temporary. Staying unhappy is incredibly rare. Just one in every 400 parents in the entire study was unhappy at both time points, soon after their child was born and then again when their child was eleven.  (cf. Harry and Kate Benson, What mums want and dads need to know).

Genesis is growing apart

It appears that the Kate - Harry experience of growing apart after the children arrive on the scene is very typical indeed.

What happens is when couples become parents, everything changes. Forget Mars and Venus. The difference between men and women that matters most is that women have babies. That long experience of pregnancy automatically and subconsciously tunes a woman's mind toward her child. So when the baby appears, it's not surprising that mum tends to take charge and make the decisions.

Harry began to take the path ofleast effort. It was all too easy to take a back seat, whether willingly or not, and leave mum to take the initiative. Their conversations gradually deteriorated into a series of functional questions "can you do this?" "can you do that?". That was fine for a while.

But slowly, eventually, it began to grate. Kate became frustrated at being responsible for everything. Harry withdrew and focused on work. Kate then felt neglected and micromanaged him. They drifted apart. It was very subtle and very common.

Somebody has to look after the relationship. With mum's focus on the child, that has to be dad.

So what do mums want? At the top of the list from a survey of 291 mums, was a friend, somebody interested in her and the children, somebody kind. At the bottom of the list was sexy, strong, adventurous or a provider.

If dads can get into their heads that their first task is to love mum, to notice her, to have her in the forefront of their thoughts, their marriage will be terrific.

Happy wife, happy life. Believe it or not, there is research to support this. It is much less true the other way tound (cf. H. Benson, Research for Marriage Foundation, UK).

Hope and Stick it out!

We might ask: "Is this putting an unfair burden on men? Doesn't it take two to tango?"

Harry assures us: "Not at all." It is a tiny shift in thinking that recognizes human nature. When a woman becomes child-oriented, dad needs to become mum-oriented. Somebody needs to take responsibility for the relationship. Remember that this is not about who does what role. Couples can take on whatever roles they like.

The problem nowadays is the strong current of consumerism. It is the lifestyle of use and dispose. Human beings are themselves considered consumer goods to be used and then discarded. We have created a "throw away" culture which is now spreading.